He himself is the propitiation for our sins;

and not for ours only, but also for the whole world.

1 John 2:2

Maybe it’s just me, but there was always a dark side to the Cross.

Interspersed with the good news were these Christian sentiments, either quoted from the bible or based upon Biblical passages, which did not seem like good news to me.

“Jesus paid the penalty for my sins.”

“Jesus was a ransom for all.”

“I am saved because of the blood shed on the cross.”

“God is so just that he cannot look upon sins, which is why he turned his face away.”

We use big, confusing words like propitiation (the action of appeasing a god), or expiation (the act of making amends for guilt or wrongdoing) to describe what happened on the cross.

Atonement used to mean unity and one-ness, but has morphed to mean something closer to appeasement.

Then there are the parables Jesus tells which sound ominous and scary: the parable of the ten virgins, the separating of the sheep and the goats, the man kicked out of the banquet feast for having the wrong garments on. There is the story of the rich young man, and the camel passing through the eye of the needle. There’s the wailing and gnashing of teeth and the outer darkness.

In Sunday School, we are taught “Jesus loves me,” but then we also hear about the “fear of the Lord.” Which one is it?

All of this feels dark and foreboding. Like I have a bi-polar god who is loving sometimes, and full of wrath at other times.

The implications left me grateful that Jesus took my place because I didn’t want to go to hell, but a little uncertain because heaven seemed unstable.

We are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Jesus Christ, whom God put forward as an expiation by his blood, to be received by faith. Romans 3:24-25

If God could do what he did to his one and only son, how much worse could it be for me, whose family status was, at best, adopted child? It often feels like I am a better father than God? (but we are not supposed to think such things)

We say salvation is based upon grace, but then there is this thought that if we don’t straighten up, we’ll be thrown into hell. So if we don’t perform well enough, grace will not save us?

I confused verses like Romans 8:3 (He condemned sin in the flesh) as a condemnation against myself, completely ignoring Romans 8:1 (there is now no condemnation).

These thoughts make Jesus out to be the good part of God, and the Father out to be the feared part of God. But Jesus said he and the Father were as one; if you’ve seen him you’ve seen the father.

I read this week that the original Greek word which has been translated as ‘expiation’ and ‘propitiation’ used to be translated in the Old Testament as ‘mercy seat,’ referring to the lid of the arc of the covenant. If that were true, it would change the meaning of the above quotes.

George Macdonald once said, in reference to attributing negative qualities to God, “either I do not understand the statement, or the thing is not true, whoever says it.”  

It became tenuous for me to simultaneously hold the love of God and my mythologies about God. I had to drop one— for years, I had dropped the wrong one…

I do not understand all these Bible references, but I now know he loves me. I had used these references to twist the love of God.

With the old theology that I had accepted, I could find separation and darkness and fear everywhere, but now I see that this was just the enemy who had come to steal and kill and destroy (see John 10:10).

Jesus (and God) is a Life Giver. Anything less is unworthy of being attributed to Him.

The resurrection brought forth light, and restoration, and forgiveness, and hope. Anything less is unworthy of the cross.

A beacon of light emanates from the empty grave announcing the love of the Father.

He is Risen!